The worst road trip vehicles for the best drives

Our tongue-in-cheek suggestions for the worst possible vehicles for specific trips

Mark Atkinson
Published: April 17, 2015, 11:50 PM
Updated: July 31, 2015, 3:25 PM

Worst road trip vehicles for the best drives

There are road trips and there are road trips, and the vehicles that may be best for some can be the worst for others. ▲

Worst Road Trip Vehicles for the best drives

While road trips have fallen out of favour in recent years thanks to a combination of high fuel prices and relatively inexpensive airline tickets, they aren’t completely unfashionable yet. In fact, between the low cost per litre and the increasing efficiency of modern vehicles, there’s a good chance road trips can make a comeback. The idea of finding an ideal vehicle for those trips should be no challenge since most cars and trucks are generally excellent for a broad range of travel these days. But there are road trips and there are road trips, and some need a different type of vehicle than others. ▲

Worst Road Trip Vehicles for the best drives

Vehicles to avoid for some journeys – that makes more sense. Here are seven road trip destinations and activities along with our tongue-in-cheek suggestions for the worst possible vehicle choices for each. While all these vehicles have genuine merits within the right environments, the scenarios we've dreamed up for them are anything but right. ▲

Mercedes-Benz GLA45 AMG

Off-Roading in Moab, Utah – There simply aren’t enough adjectives to adequately describe the sheer alien beauty and incredibly varied terrain in and around Moab in Utah. Carved by wind and water over millennia, the towering mountains, oxide-red dirt, and wide canyons are unlike anything else on earth. The artificial vivid blue tailing ponds clash with the muddier tones found in the Colorado River that winds its way through the park. Jeep uses this area regularly for both for testing and media events, and is the obvious choice for crawling the terrain. But the worst? How about a Mercedes-Benz GLA45 AMG? ▲

Mercedes-Benz GLA45 AMG

Although Mercedes dubs it an SUV, its curb-scraping ground clearance would get hung up in a heartbeat. Your kidneys would take a beating on the rough surface thanks to suspension settings nearly as hard as the surrounding landscape. And the marvelous 355-horsepower turbocharged 2.0-litre engine would quickly overpower the performance-rated sticky summer tires. ▲

Mitsubishi Mirage

Driving up Pikes Peak – Climbing mountains in one form or another is ingrained in humans. And when one of the tallest mountains in the United States built roads for improved access and tourism, what was the first thing we did? Hold a race, of course. The Pikes Peak International Hill Climb in Colorado, which started back in 1916. Among recent competitions, Mitsubishi has been a major player with its purpose-built EV racer. The everyday Mirage – not so much. ▲

Mitsubishi Mirage

When not closed for competition, the roads are open for tourists to drive, albeit at a much slower pace. Total elevation changes measure in the thousands of metres, and are quite steep as well. The Mitsubishi Mirage has a measly 74-horsepower, three-cylinder engine at sea level and significantly less power at extreme elevations. It’s also thrummy and uncultured when pushed. Add in the optional CVT, and that spells instant migraine for hours on end. ▲

Smart Fortwo

Across Canada from coast to coast – Canada offers stunning diversity in our landscapes that few Canadians appreciate. Plenty prefer to head to Europe or south to the U.S. instead of spending time in our own enormous land. If you want to drive across, its approximately 5,800 kilometres from the Pacific Ocean in Vancouver to the Atlantic in Halifax, plan on at least five long days on the Trans-Canada Highway. But maybe not in a Smart Fortwo. ▲

Smart Fortwo

While most vehicles would fare just fine on the Trans-Canada trek, the Smart Fortwo would not be a good choice. It's the lowest-powered car on sale here today and while it's also the lightest, that means it’s very susceptible to crosswinds. Add in the buckboard ride, non-power-assisted steering and whiplash-inducing semi-automatic transmission (thankfully replaced in the upcoming model) and potential for claustrophobia and you get a new appreciation for the luxury of a Nissan Micra. ▲

Ford F-350 SD

Touring old Montreal or Quebec City – Staying on the in-Canada theme, if you are looking for a small taste of Europe, you’ll find some of it in both Montreal and Quebec City. Buildings hundreds of years old with charm galore, beautiful food, neat shops and cafes, all packed into a few blocks of concentrated urbanity. Equally challenging are the roads, which, not including the road-rage-inducing local drivers, are some of the narrowest and tightest around. Not the place to show off a Ford F-350 SD, or any other big heavy duty pickup. ▲

Ford F-350 SD

Certainly the Ford F-350 SD would be a difficult choice for navigating those tiddly streets. At nearly 6,700 millimetres long in full long-box, long-wheelbase form, it would take up three spaces when parking. The dually is 2,440 millimetres across at the back, and would happily take out cyclists and light posts equally well. Those two factors alone, not to mention the 17.2-metre turning circle, are enough to send chills through most drivers even in far more spacious surroundings. ▲

Alfa Romeo 4C

Driving tour of New Orleans – When I first visited New Orleans nearly two years after Hurricane Katrina had hit, I was absolutely stunned not only by the enormous destruction, but also by the spirit of the people that were trying desperately to rebuild. Portions that were completely abandoned with row after row of houses and small businesses clashed with the brashness of the French Quarter and even parts of downtown that thrived mere metres from the collapse. An Alfa Romeo 4C not only would have seemed out of place in the squalor, it would have difficulty navigating the terrain. ▲

Alfa Romeo 4C

One thing was made perfectly clear: roads at that point were not a high priority with craters, mounds and washouts common sights. Eight years later, Louisiana still has some of the worst roads in the United States, which means an Alfa Romeo 4C still would probably be a terrible choice. The washboard-esque Interstates would do their best to shake the Italian sports car’s glue loose. And because the passenger seat is fixed in both back angle and fore-aft travel your traveling companion would surely call time before you do. ▲

Infiniti Q60 Convertible

Antiquing in Pennsylvania – There are some who revel in antiquing. Finding rare or unique items that have been happily used by others decades or even centuries before. Mirrors, chairs, tables and other furniture rank high on the list. As would being able to protect those items, whether hidden gems or mint-condition find. You wouldn't want to be driving an Infiniti Q60 Convertible when you came across one of those can't-pass-it-up treasures. ▲

Infiniti Q60 Convertible

Unfortunately, the Infiniti Q60 Convertible, while still offering some leftover sexiness and appeal, offers essentially no space. Even with its metal roof up, it’s shallow and narrow trunk is more akin to a shopping cart. When stowed, that space constricts to a mere shadow of its normal self and the opening resembles a mail slot. There’s a reason why the stars of Storage Wars don’t drive a fleet of Infiniti Q60s… ▲

Chevrolet Express

Track day at Road America – Road America, in the heart of verdant Elkhart Lake, Wisconsin is one of North America’s most challenging and legendary road courses. At over six-and-a-half kilometres in length with 14 turns – including the infamous butt-clenching Kink and tricky Canada Corner – Road America still retains its original layout after 60 years in operation. A variety of open- and closed-wheel race series regularly visit and driving retty much any vehicle with a whiff of sportiness would provide some satisfaction there. But a big passenger van like a Chevrolet Express? I think not. ▲

Chevrolet Express

A Chevrolet Express would be at the extreme other end of the spectrum. Any Express would be bad enough but please not the an 15-seat church van! Although I’d guess most passengers would wisely stay in pit lane. Tippy and floaty wouldn't begin to describe the ride. Sure, the older 4.8-litre V-8 has 285 horsepower, but with a curb weight of around 2,900 kilograms unloaded it’ll suffer just about anywhere. And especially there. ▲

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